Blogtober Day 11 - A Day in My Life.

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An average day in my life is get up bewtween 9-10am unless I need to go to Clevedon for an appointment in which case it's more likely to be 7am or earlier.

After I'm up I'll wash or shower - if I'm going out shopping or to Clevedon it'll be a shower but if I'm staying in until work then it'll be a wash.

Then after that if I'm going out or it's the weekend I'll have breakfast - cereal - if not then I won't because lunch'll be earlier.

Mid-morning between 10:30-11:30am I'll have a drink - hot chocolate - with a chocolate biscuit bar, they're cheap versions of Penguin bars from Tesco.

Lunch is about 12:30pm on a work day and between 1-1:30pm on a weekend. Sandwich, packet of crisps and homemade sponge cake.

At 2:30pm on a work day and 4pm on a weekend it's a cup of tea with a couple of biscuits.

Then at 3pm I shut down the PC if I'm on it and go and clean my teeth if I've forgotten to do them earlier. If they're already done then it's time to go and get dressed and get my stuff together to be out of the door by 3:15pm to start work at 3:30pm.

I work from 3:30-5:30pm though can often end up staying later. As an example this week my co-worker Amy is away so it's just me and Hazel my supervisor. She does the toilets and then has been helping me where she can but even then a lot needed doing Wednesday so I didn't leave until 6:30pm, still it's more wages when they arrive.

So I get home somewhere between 5:40-6pm and I say hello to mum and Tegan (the cat) before having a shower - my job is cleaning so I get pretty grubby and sweaty. Then tea is usually ready by 6:30pm. Wednesday wasn't an issue as mum was working til 9:45pm extended to 11pm so I had a sandwich for tea and we'd had cooked lunch.

Tea is eaten and cleared up by 8pm at the latest when we sit down on the sofa to watch telly. Around 10pm we'll have a chocolate snack and then we start getting ready for bed around 11:15pm and in bed at 11:30pm. Sometimes I'll watch something in my room so it will be 12:30am by the time I go to sleep.

And that is my day.

Blogtober Day 8 - What's In My Handbag?

I have a lot of bags. I kind of collect them. Maybe someday after I complete the long-promised Shoe series I will start one on my bags. I have different purposes for different ones and I often change bag. At the moment I have two main bags - one for work and one for going out e.g. to the Job Centre.

My Work Bag

My work bag is one I got from Claire's Accessories years ago - probably the Weymouth branch when I was on holiday. The contents are: Work tabard, phone, keys, notepad and pen, lip balm, hairband, glasses, tissues, hairbrush, bottle of water, umbrella and iPod with protective pouch - stops the earphones tangling.

My Everyday Bag

My current everyday bag is an owl satchel I got from Amazon and it contains: Umbrella, bottle of water, glasses, phone, keys, notepad and pen, lip balm, hairbrush, tissues, pot of Paracetamol, purse, iPod with protective pouch, whatever book I'm reading - currently The Silver Child by Cliff McNish - and often my Job Centre folder (not pictured).

Obviously there are things like my glasses, phone, keys and notepad and pen that get switched between bags but other things like tissues, umbrella, hairbrush and lip balm I have doubles of so I can keep one in each bag.

Blogtober Day 7 - What Made You Start Blogging?

The short and simple answer is because I read a lot of blogs and admire a lot of writers and wanted to be like them even if only a tiny bit. I do have stuff to say even if I don't say it often and I'm hoping that through the remainder of this year and into next my blogging is going to improve. I can't promise my outfit photos will though considering I use self-timer in my bedroom which while not tiny is awkwardly laid out for photos. I also don't really want to involve my mum at this stage since she doesn't really get the whole blogging thing. Maybe one day if I get more popular I might rope her into the role of photographer - though I can't promise she'll be an improvement! XD

Here have some outfits:

Shirt: ASOS Curve Girlfriend Shirt | Trousers: Evans | Shoes (not seen): Shoe Zone

Outfit worn for an interview and a Waitrose information day recently.

Top: Asda | Skirt: Evans | Shoes (not seen): Converse

Worn out shopping on Sunday.

Jumper: Charity shop (originally Tesco I think) | Jeans: Catalogue | Boots (not seen): TUK

Worn for a Doctors appointment yesterday to sort out switching my contraception. I'm currently on the Implant and it's due to be removed/replaced so I'm switching back to the injection which I had before starting Wednesday and getting the Implant removed on the 21st.

Blogtober Day 6 - Tell Us About Where You Live

I live in the middle flat of the middle floor of a three floor block of nine flats in a small town in North Somerset. My town is called Portishead.

There was originally a picture of my block of flats here but following a Which article on identity theft it is possible that someone could find part of my address using that photo.

This is a view of Portishead from Naish Hill. As you can see we are sort of coastal but I don't think we have the sort of beach that you'd want to visit. We have a thriving Marina though.

From Wikipedia:

Portishead is a coastal town on the Severn Estuary, close to Bristol, but within the unitary authority of North Somerset, which falls within the ceremonial county of Somerset, England. It has a population of around 22,000, an increase of over 3,000 since the 2001 census, with a growth rate considerably in excess of surrounding towns.

Portishead has a long history as a fishing port. It expanded rapidly during the early 19th century around the docks, with supporting transport infrastructure. A power station and chemical works were added in the 20th century, but the dock and industrial facilities have since closed and been redeveloped into a marina and residential areas. Portishead was also the telephone control centre used by British Telecom (BT) for non-direct dialled calls to maritime vessels, a service known as Portishead Radio.

The town's population is expanding, and Portishead is now primarily a dormitory town for Bristol and its environs, although a range of service industries has grown up. The headquarters of Avon and Somerset Constabulary are in Portishead.

Notable People:

• Johnny Briggs, Actor
• George Wightwick, architect
• Adge Cutler, popular singer
• Eddie Large, comedian
• Carol Vorderman, TV presenter
• Chris Harris, pantomime dame, director and writer
• Frederick Weatherly, song lyricist who wrote the words to "Danny Boy" and "Roses of Picardy”
• Imogen Cairns, Olympic Gymnast

Blogtober Day 5 - Do You Have A Bucket List?

I've never really thought about a bucket list as such. I have one of those 101 in 1001 days lists: http://dayzeroproject.com/user/nemostar/list/81097 but that's about it.

OK so here's a hastily thought out bucket list:

1. Get a Borzoi
2. Learn to drive
3. Buy a house
4. Meet someone and get married
5. Go to Glastonbury festival
6. Go to at least one other festival - would have loved Reading 2013, The Cure were playing!
7. Go camping with my significant other
8. Get all the tattoos I have planned
9. Get all the piercings I have planned
10. Go to Canada
11. Go to New Zealand
12. Learn to horse ride
13. Go skydiving
14. Ride a roller coaster

I think a list of 10 is enough to be going on with for now - yeah I updated it to 14 XD. See you tomorrow for Day 6 :)

Have a gorgeous Borzoi!

Blogtober Day 1 - Introduction

I have decided that in order to try and get some blogging regularity I am going to attempt to do a challenge. Natty Nikki's Blogtober challenge to be precise.

It's quite apt that day one is titled Introduction since as some of you may have noticed I recently changed my blog name and URL. The old one was Musings of an Alternative Mind which is something that I wasn't happy about even then but I knew I wanted to start a blog and thought I'd come back to it later. Bulletproof Scarecrow is something that I'm not really sure where it came from. It's also my Tumblr URL. I think it's partly inspired by the My Chemical Romance song "Bulletproof Heart" and partly the fact that I kind of see my fashion style as a Hippie, Goth, Steampunk, Mori combination equaling Alternative Scarecrow. That's a work in progress name XD.

As for a general introduction: I'm Stefanie, I'm 24, and I live in North Somerset with my mum and my cat. I was long-term unemployed for about 5 years (last worked December 2009) but I've just got a part time cleaning job for 10 hours a week. It's not much but it's progress. As for my love life I am gay and forever alone - or at least that's the way it seems *rollseyes*.

So I'm not going to be doing every post for Blogtober but I'll try and do at least some. I have Instagram but not on my phone at the moment (no memory space) and I don't have a make-up bag. I have a make-up box though which I might showcase another time, I don't have a favourite recipe so I'll probably be back for day 5. See you all then. Have a bit of "Bulletproof Heart" for your ears enjoyment. :)

Thoughts on Suicide

I did wonder whether to even write this post but then I thought hardly anyone reads my little - rarely active - blog and I thought it might be a little bit therapeutic.

As you may know I am an unemployed young person. It's coming up to 5 years. I last had a paid job December 2009. I lost that job through stupidity, it's not something I like to talk about and if I do, you know that I trust you, simple as that. Anyway that's not the point. I am also young, just turned 24. In the eyes of the job centre this means you get sent on a lot of courses. A lot. This year I have done at least 3, possibly more that I can't remember. They are all pretty much the same and just as useless as each other.

Two of these courses have featured the same tutors. The first time we got on, I liked them both, everything was fine. The second time was pretty much a disaster. One of the tutors took me aside one day and told me that due to my attitude I'd be unemployed forever, it personally pissed her off because she pays taxes and my jobseekers comes out of taxes (yeah maybe a couple of pence of her taxes goes towards jobseekers to be shared by millions - not just me). Next she was accusing me of being depressed and having anxiety issues - maybe I have, is it any wonder being unemployed? Not to mention the fact that only a doctor can diagnose those issues. She also later mentioned me going to counselling - fuck that shit. Particularly as the service she mentioned said on their website that the process could include medication which is the precise reason I haven't gone to a doctor: a) I don't think I'm quite that bad most of the time and b) I don't want to have to rely on medication unless I really really have to. I take hayfever tablets daily which is annoying enough but I don't want to have something akin to a permanent cold thank you very much.

The next point she made was one of the two which annoyed me the most - worse than speculating on my mental health? Yes considering both are related to previous mental health and one related to society's judgement. Considering I am fat as well as unemployed I think everyone can guess what the problem was. Oh yes, my weight. I am a size 22/24. I am fat. Until I get to interview stage (where people probably judge me for it even if they shouldn't) my weight doesn't affect my job-searching ability. Despite this though she tried to get me to do a food diary with everything I ate until the end of the course. I may have slightly annoyed her the next day when I said I refused to do it. My weight was not relevant to that course. End of. Besides diet and weight aren't indicative of health. I have hayfever and slight asthma and if I walk a lot my feet and joints may ache a little but my health overall is fine. My cholesterol when it was last done was fine, so was my blood pressure.

My mum was fuming when I told her which brings me onto the last point and the main one regarding the title of this post. She claimed I am too close with my mum. The main thing that brought this on was that we were both unemployed, applied for the same job, both attended the group interview and apparently were too together whilst there. This tutor even bull-shitted at me - who was there - that I was seen walking in holding hands with my mum. What. The. Fuck? I haven't done that for years and certainly wouldn't at an interview.

As stated above I am 24 years old. For all those 24 years it has been me and mum (apart from one boyfriend I remember who let me play solitaire on his laptop, I don't know if he even ever stayed over) since she dumped my dad whilst pregnant because he wanted to get married, she didn't. My mum is fiercely independent. Through the years she has been my rock, she has great judgement about my friends, who's going to let me down etc and she's never been wrong. When I was in secondary school I was starting to put the weight on and obviously as a result I was bullied. I was called names and there was one incident where a group followed me down the hill from school chucking conkers at me. That wasn't nice. I also didn't really have friends I was close to either. Everyone had their own groups and I didn't much like my group. While one of the girls is now a pretty good friend the other one was one of those bully type of friends. The most frustrating thing about all my past experiences is that I know stuff happened but I can't remember exactly what the stuff was or what was said. It makes me wonder, was it as bad as I think?

I guess it wasn't as bad as other people's experiences. I didn't have my stuff stolen, I wasn't pushed down the stairs or beaten up or anything like that but to me as a sensitive teenager it was bad enough. The school authorities weren't much help. With the problems with the "friend" our head of year told us to get over it and just be friends. Like that was gonna happen. So I think it was around 14 or 15 years old I felt the worst and regularly thought of suicide. I even had the opportunity once. I'd left school early or something and was waiting to cross the road, it was quiet and a large lorry was coming and I thought about stepping in front of it but I didn't. My two simultaneous thoughts were: "I didn't leave a note." and "I don't want mum to be upset." Over the years whenever I've had thoughts of suicide I've thought about my mum and how I don't want to leave her. She is the one thing that has kept me alive which makes it hurt even more when people say we're too close.

Things at school did improve. My soon to be best friend/girlfriend started at our school and was so friendly that we became quite close and while I didn't really get on well with her other best friend I ended up with my other best friend who stayed with me throughout sixth form, and sadly I think has since passed away from what I've heard. I think it was natural causes but he was suicidal and attempted several times so it may have been that. All I remember is someone shutting down his Facebook account saying he was very ill - something with his heart I think. It wasn't someone I knew personally to be able to ask what was wrong. I tried to send a message but they never responded.

These days I'm a lot stronger. I still have bad days where I think it would be the best option but I battle through and things are slowly improving. But that's not to say they won't get bad again. I'm not psychic, I don't know what the future holds. There's been a bit of controversy regarding the tweet saying: "Genie, you're free." saying it condones suicide. I don't take it that way. I take it as Robin Williams being free from the demons and addictions that plagued his mind for years. For most people freedom means rehab and counselling but for Robin that must have been the only freedom that he could see at that time and we shouldn't penalise a man who was obviously seriously ill.

RIP Robin Williams. You were an inspiration to a nation.