I did wonder whether to even write this post but then I thought hardly anyone reads my little - rarely active - blog and I thought it might be a little bit therapeutic.
As you may know I am an unemployed young person. It's coming up to 5 years. I last had a paid job December 2009. I lost that job through stupidity, it's not something I like to talk about and if I do, you know that I trust you, simple as that. Anyway that's not the point. I am also young, just turned 24. In the eyes of the job centre this means you get sent on a lot of courses. A lot. This year I have done at least 3, possibly more that I can't remember. They are all pretty much the same and just as useless as each other.
Two of these courses have featured the same tutors. The first time we got on, I liked them both, everything was fine. The second time was pretty much a disaster. One of the tutors took me aside one day and told me that due to my attitude I'd be unemployed forever, it personally pissed her off because she pays taxes and my jobseekers comes out of taxes (yeah maybe a couple of pence of her taxes goes towards jobseekers to be shared by millions - not just me). Next she was accusing me of being depressed and having anxiety issues - maybe I have, is it any wonder being unemployed? Not to mention the fact that only a doctor can diagnose those issues. She also later mentioned me going to counselling - fuck that shit. Particularly as the service she mentioned said on their website that the process could include medication which is the precise reason I haven't gone to a doctor: a) I don't think I'm quite that bad most of the time and b) I don't want to have to rely on medication unless I really really have to. I take hayfever tablets daily which is annoying enough but I don't want to have something akin to a permanent cold thank you very much.
The next point she made was one of the two which annoyed me the most - worse than speculating on my mental health? Yes considering both are related to previous mental health and one related to society's judgement. Considering I am fat as well as unemployed I think everyone can guess what the problem was. Oh yes, my weight. I am a size 22/24. I am fat. Until I get to interview stage (where people probably judge me for it even if they shouldn't) my weight doesn't affect my job-searching ability. Despite this though she tried to get me to do a food diary with everything I ate until the end of the course. I may have slightly annoyed her the next day when I said I refused to do it. My weight was not relevant to that course. End of. Besides diet and weight aren't indicative of health. I have hayfever and slight asthma and if I walk a lot my feet and joints may ache a little but my health overall is fine. My cholesterol when it was last done was fine, so was my blood pressure.
My mum was fuming when I told her which brings me onto the last point and the main one regarding the title of this post. She claimed I am too close with my mum. The main thing that brought this on was that we were both unemployed, applied for the same job, both attended the group interview and apparently were too together whilst there. This tutor even bull-shitted at me - who was there - that I was seen walking in holding hands with my mum. What. The. Fuck? I haven't done that for years and certainly wouldn't at an interview.
As stated above I am 24 years old. For all those 24 years it has been me and mum (apart from one boyfriend I remember who let me play solitaire on his laptop, I don't know if he even ever stayed over) since she dumped my dad whilst pregnant because he wanted to get married, she didn't. My mum is fiercely independent. Through the years she has been my rock, she has great judgement about my friends, who's going to let me down etc and she's never been wrong. When I was in secondary school I was starting to put the weight on and obviously as a result I was bullied. I was called names and there was one incident where a group followed me down the hill from school chucking conkers at me. That wasn't nice. I also didn't really have friends I was close to either. Everyone had their own groups and I didn't much like my group. While one of the girls is now a pretty good friend the other one was one of those bully type of friends. The most frustrating thing about all my past experiences is that I know stuff happened but I can't remember exactly what the stuff was or what was said. It makes me wonder, was it as bad as I think?
I guess it wasn't as bad as other people's experiences. I didn't have my stuff stolen, I wasn't pushed down the stairs or beaten up or anything like that but to me as a sensitive teenager it was bad enough. The school authorities weren't much help. With the problems with the "friend" our head of year told us to get over it and just be friends. Like that was gonna happen. So I think it was around 14 or 15 years old I felt the worst and regularly thought of suicide. I even had the opportunity once. I'd left school early or something and was waiting to cross the road, it was quiet and a large lorry was coming and I thought about stepping in front of it but I didn't. My two simultaneous thoughts were: "I didn't leave a note." and "I don't want mum to be upset." Over the years whenever I've had thoughts of suicide I've thought about my mum and how I don't want to leave her. She is the one thing that has kept me alive which makes it hurt even more when people say we're too close.
Things at school did improve. My soon to be best friend/girlfriend started at our school and was so friendly that we became quite close and while I didn't really get on well with her other best friend I ended up with my other best friend who stayed with me throughout sixth form, and sadly I think has since passed away from what I've heard. I think it was natural causes but he was suicidal and attempted several times so it may have been that. All I remember is someone shutting down his Facebook account saying he was very ill - something with his heart I think. It wasn't someone I knew personally to be able to ask what was wrong. I tried to send a message but they never responded.
These days I'm a lot stronger. I still have bad days where I think it would be the best option but I battle through and things are slowly improving. But that's not to say they won't get bad again. I'm not psychic, I don't know what the future holds. There's been a bit of controversy regarding the tweet saying: "Genie, you're free." saying it condones suicide. I don't take it that way. I take it as Robin Williams being free from the demons and addictions that plagued his mind for years. For most people freedom means rehab and counselling but for Robin that must have been the only freedom that he could see at that time and we shouldn't penalise a man who was obviously seriously ill.
RIP Robin Williams. You were an inspiration to a nation.
